John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
