If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
