Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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