WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
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seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
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i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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