Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
