so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
