Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
