Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You are the jesus of drinking
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
