I just threw up on my dentist
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
