i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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