Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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