ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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