what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
