I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
