life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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