I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
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Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
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OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."