goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
