I think I just saw someone hide a body.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is your signature on my underwear?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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