Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
