Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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