Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
