Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
