my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
