The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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