woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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