Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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