If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I want her autograph on my taint
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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