I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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