He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
