I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
