Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
