mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
