nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
