apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
