I wish I could punch you in the face.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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