I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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