I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
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I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
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I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis