My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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