I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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