Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I didn't notice because vodka
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
