Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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