I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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