No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
