the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
