I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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