he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
