Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
