Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
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