Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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