Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
