I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
