I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
