remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
