I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
