He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
