seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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