I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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