Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
